The God Complex : The Stoma Diaries PT3
Dear Mr Rivers,
Thank you for your recent correspondence. Unfortunately God (or ‘The Big Fella’ as you seem intent on calling Him) has a lot on His plate at the moment and has asked me to reply to you in His place.
Firstly, He would like me to re-assure you that your continued ownership of, as you call it, “The fucking Stoma Club” is not some sort of conspiracy to reduce your ‘coolness’ and bring you back to somewhere near the levels of the ordinary man in the street and the long wait you have had so far for a reversal is more of a low-level admin task that wouldn’t cross the heavenly father’s desk anyway
.
Yes, the incident where the bouncer humiliated you in front of a line of men who were waiting to take drugs in the toilet cubicles at The K’s recent gig in Newcastle was indeed regrettable but you can be assured the man in question will have this incident on his tally when it is his time to be judged. Also, the negative mental health aspects of your current condition and how it affects your body image, lifestyle and general outlook at times are definitely of a concern to us so please don’t think you’re on your own and it’s you against the world.
That said, there are a lot of people in the world worse off than you so get a grip eh?
Your pleas for “The Toon to just win a fucking trophy man!” before you finally appear at our gate have been noted and, as Faith is one the pre-requisites of entrance here and you support a club that has been running on blind Faith for over half a century, you can expect some pleasant surprises in the future in that regard…that said, come the day you appear for judgement don’t just assume you’re taking the upward path you foul-mouthed Byker skip rat.
Finally, and this is very important, your sheer joy, positivity, gratitude and all-round chirpiness at just being alive have been mentioned in the daily operations meetings up here and are earning you a lot of support – keep it up…well…maybe try not to annoy people with it sometimes but generally, yeah, it’s a good thing.
I hope this reply answers some of the questions you may have and if I can be of any further assistance then please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards,
Gabriel
Ps – it’s customary to communicate with The Almighty at a place of worship rather than looking up at the sky, shaking your head and muttering “For Fucks Sake…” under your breath. You may wish to consider that in future.
Pps – Also, your Uncle Charlie and Col said to say hello and *sigh* Up The Fucking Mags!
