Raymeo & Lizziet

Andy Rivers

Pulp wrote a song years ago about unrequited love. Some schoolkid who just proper ached for a lass he knew and she never noticed him. It wasn’t quite like that with me and Lizzie but I did proper fancy her. One of the reasons was also in the song, something about her having great tits, which was also fucking bang on the money. Not the only reason though.

I was first aware of her when I was about thirteen and somehow managed to bluff my way up a set in maths, taken out of the divvies class I got sat next to this lass with amazing red hair, a lovely smile and top-level cheek that a shy lad like me could only dream about. She ignored me at first. I didn’t mind, I was trying not to embarrass meself and saying nowt was much, much better than saying something daft. I would just listen to her effortlessly putting down the smartarse lads in the class and smile to myself, she was something special this lass.

Then one day she turns to me and says, ‘You don’t say much Raymondo do you?’

I hadn’t spoke to lasses much by this time, my constantly flushing cheeks saw to that, but I thought I should have a go.

‘I’m not clever enough to have a pisstaking contest with you Lizzie...and I’m not stupid enough to try mate.’

I was quite pleased with that. I heard a few sniggers behind me from the sporty fuckers, the ones who were top of everything and captained all the first teams. The ones with semi-detached houses in nice areas and parents who drove cars, those fuckers. They wouldn’t be sneering at me come breaktime though the mugs.

She nodded.

‘That’s what I like, a boy who knows his place.’

I just grinned back. I knew someone would take the heat off me any second.

‘Yeah Lizzie, that place is on top of you aye?’

And the wankers belly-laughed at the world’s shittest joke as attention shifted from me and I was back in the shadows enjoying the show as she made short work of the donut daft enough to dig her out.

Later that year we had an exam. I was shit at maths and really shouldn’t have been in that set, this test was gonna send me back down to the nut huts with the rest of the dickheads. I’d struggled through the first few questions when an algebra sum had me fucked, I just stared at it while my eyes swam and my head pounded. I had to close my eyes as everything was just blurry and the stress was eating me up. Fail this, go back to the shithead class, learn nothing, leave school a thicky and end up on the dole, no future, no life.

I felt like crying. Obviously not going to happen, I don’t wear a skirt after all, but I was gutted.

Then I felt a hand on my back and I looked up. The answer, and the workings out, were scrawled on my test paper, and Lizzie was looking straight at me.

‘I’ll never let you fail Coxy, I’m not having anyone else sit next to me.’

I could only smile back at her and whispered ‘there’s a joke in there somewhere about you liking to be close to Cox but I’m not brave enough to make it.’

She chuckled at that.

‘You’re quick enough to be able to make those jokes but nice enough not to, that’s kind of why I like you.’

She winked and went back to the test. I just checked her out on the quiet. She’d really blossomed the last six months. A couple of parts of her had really, really blossomed, and they got commented on a fair bit so I avoided that, I had noticed though.

Looking back at the test I cursed my knowledge and taking one last look at Lizzie I cursed my confidence. I had no chance.

***

‘Got any snouts Coxy?’

‘How many you after Deka?’

‘Five mate.’

‘That’ll be ten bob to you, do you need matches?’

Of course he did. They always did. I’d moved on from being the quiet little kid in class, now sixteen and heading towards the dole queue. I’d filled out and filled in a few mouthy types on the way. As a result I held the dubious honour of being considered too much to mess with for the real top boys, helped in no small part by my dads well known friendship with Billy One-Punch, which also cleared the way for me to hold the lucrative position of being the main fag salesman for the rest of the school. This paid for my cider down the park on a weekend and made me a bit more popular with a certain kind of lass around the estate. Nice.

While I appreciated the attention, I was sixteen after all, I still fancied Lizzie Feltham like mad. I didn’t see much of her at school, my predictable removal from the top set at maths saw to that, and on the estate we sort of moved in different circles. So as leaving day fast approached I knew I had to make some kind of move. She’d changed a bit over the last couple of years an all, wasn’t as forward and confident as she used to be and looked a bit skinnier as well, I just put that down to her growing up and that. Girls mature faster don’t they?

I knew she got the number 301 home, I’d ditched that years ago realising I could walk home in twenty minutes and save a fiver a week in bus fares, so headed for the bus stop practicing my patter all the way. Who decided lads had to do all the asking out anyway? Fucking shit rule that if you ask me.

Anyway, I’ve got there and she’s there looking ace. On her own as well - bonus! I’d noticed she didn’t have as many friends as she used to but again put that down to them being a bit childish for her now, the times I’d seen her in school lately she’d had an air of it all being a bit beneath her these days. She always made time for me though, always looked genuinely pleased to see me and would have a little chat, and, of course, I always got tongue-tied, blushed and made a simpering fool of myself. Not this time. I’d rehearsed it and I wasn’t fucking about. I was sixteen for gods sake and virtually a man. Wasn’t even a virgin anymore, there was nothing to hold me back now.

‘Hi Lizzie, you alreet?’

Slow turn of the head and a grimace that turned into a smile when she saw it was me.

‘Well big Ray, to what do we owe this honour - a man of your standing getting the bus with the plebs.’

I made a mental note to look up what plebs meant when I got home and pushed on.

‘I wanted to see you didn’t I’

I know this sounds big-headed or typical ego-driven male bollocks but she genuinely lit up when I said that. I’d fancied her for years and knew she liked me but even I was surprised at her reaction. I was all set to go for it when the bus pulled up. Bollocks I hadn’t actually planned on getting on the fucking bus.

She bounced on, paid her fare and then looked back at me with another smile.

‘There’s a spare two-seater at the back.’

I was straight on and ten-seconds later sat next to her as the bus pulled off.

‘Lizzie I...’

I could feel myself going red, the fear of humiliation started rising in my chest...and...there was a distinct stirring in my jeans, fucking buses!

She looked straight into me eyes and smiled. Not one of those pretend ones you get when you’re boring the life out of someone and they’re being polite. It was another absolute belter that started with her mouth and travelled all the way to her eyes. And as she was smiling she gave a tiny little nod.

She was telling me to do it wasn’t she? She was saying it’ll be alright Raymondo, go on, put yourself out there. It was now or never.

‘Lizzie, I’ve liked you for years, and we’re going to leave school soon and I never see you round the estate any more so...’

Gulp.

‘...can we gan oot sometime?’

The sweat was dripping down me back and I was sure the baldy old, big-nosed bastard in the next seat was laughing at me. Then she spoke.

‘I would love that Ray, I’ve liked you for years an all you divvy.’

And just like that everything was cool.

(C) Andy Rivers 2023