Getting Away With It

Darrell Irving

The small holding cell at Clifford Street police station in Byker had seen some action over the years and tonight was promising to be no exception as Nick ‘Turkey’ Mathews prowled it’s confines before his rage began to take a a hold of him. Banging on the cell door he began to scream.

LERRUS OUT YOU FUCKING PIG WANKERS, I HAVEN’T DONE OWT.

Nothing.

DAZ CAN YOU HEAR US? DAZ, WHICH CELL YOU IN?

No response.

FUCKING CUNTS WHERE’S DAZ?

And then the eye slot in the cell door opened.

Keep the fucking noise down Turkey and get yourself ready to welcome a new cell mate.

A FUCKING CELL-MATE.YOU CAN’T DO THAT IT’S AGAINST MY HUMAN RIGHTS TO SHARE A CELL LESS THAN FIFTEEN FEET WIDE. UNLESS IT’S DAZ. IS IT DAZ?

No it’s not, it’s fucking Persil. Now shut the fuck up.

As the slot in the door slammed shut Turkey continued to pace the perimeter of his cell, thinking aloud.

I hope it’s fucking Daz; he’s bound to have some gear stashed up his arse, saying that like the last time it was shit.

Sneaking a look at the door to ensure he hadn’t been heard he then turned his attention to the CCTV camera in the corner of the cell

Whoever it is he’s on the fucking floor, this is my bed and it better not be any of those immigrant cunt’s either, the cheeky fuckers coming over here and getting all our benefits without doing any graft.

Then the lock turned and the door opened.

Here’s your new cell-mate Turkey.

Look officer, this can’t right, there must be some mistake.

Shut the fuck up and get inside.

Please, at least give me my own cell for the night.

Have you heard that Turkey? He doesn’t want to share with you.

Cheeky cunt, I don’t want to share with him either.

As the cell door was about to slam shut the policeman turned and shouted back through.

Just don’t ask him why he’s called Turkey.

What did he shout?

Nothing, So who the fuck are you then?

The new arrival offered his hand in reply.

Hello I’m Anthony, Anthony Hughes.

Turkey ignored the proffered hand and looked derisively at him.

I’m fucking Turkey and that’s my bed.

Oh right, so we don’t have a bed each.

Does it look like it?

Err okay…at least it’ll only be for a few hours.

A few hours, what the fuck you on about? You’ll be lucky if you get out by tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow afternoon, I can’t stay that long. I was told I’d get to see the duty solicitor in the morning.

On a Sunday morning, you’ll be fucking lucky.

But I must, when will I get my phone call?

This isn’t the fucking Bill. You’ll be lucky to get a blanket never mind a phone call. What you in for anyway?

Nothing, I haven’t done anything.

Bollocks you wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t done anything So what is it then? Have you and your boyfriend had a fight?

I’m not gay I’m married.

Aye and so was fucking Barrymore. So what is it then? You better not be a nonce.