Get yourself an Oscopy : The Cancer Diaries pt 2
So we're in early August, my FIT test results have come back and the conversation went something like this with my GP:-
"A normal FIT result would be around 10 Mr Rivers."
"Ok Doctor, what did I get?"
"200"
Shit...
And that was me being referred urgently for a telephone appointment with someone in the endoscopy dept at Scarborough Hospital before they then referred me urgently again for a Gastroscopy and Colonoscopy.
I wasn't completely au-fait with what these procedures entailed, so stupidly Googled them and then wished I hadn't! Prior to the appointment at Bridlington hospital we were going down South to visit my in-laws and, because of Covid, had to request they all returned a negative test before we got there. This obviously had them all wondering why. Picture the scene, we're all sat round a table in their garden drinking when my oldest nephew turns up and confronts the elephant in the room :-
"So Uncle Andy, what's this shit that's so important I have to stick things up my nose before you'll come to see us?"
My wife looks at me with a 'tell them what you want' expression. So I do.
"I've got to have a camera stuck down my throat and up my arse on Tuesday 'cos I'm not well."
Silence as the family process this potential life-changing information. Then...
"Well I hope they clean it if they stick it up your arse first."
Cue hilarity. Fucking love family me.
***
Tuesday comes around and, fully prepped after 12 hours of laxatives and fuck all to eat, I'm dropped at the hospital by our lass. We both know the implications of what's about to happen and we're both scared but have resolved that our approach will be to face up to every single part of what's coming and meet it head-on - 'cos that's how we roll. I get into the Endoscopy dept all nervous and expecting the staff to tiptoe round me and be sensitive to the fact I'm about to lose my arse virginity to a camera. The reality is somewhat different. After a small chat with the nurse who tells me to get my kit off ('cos I'm a very good looking lad...) I confess I'm a bit worried about it and get a big smile with the reply :-
"I hope you're not a screamer..."
And that was exactly what I needed. While an intrusive medical examination is a rare occurrence for most blokes (I'm not being sexist - I've discussed this with a few women and they tend to get a lot more screening from an early age) NHS staff do this stuff day in and day out and have a very matter-of-fact attitude about it all, which has re-assured me no end at every stage of this journey.
I won't go into detail about the Gastroscopy other than it found nothing of note and is fucking weird.
And then I'm on the trolley having declined sedation - I want to know here and now what the problem is and if you're sedated it can take up to two weeks before you find out, fuck that - and the very lovely nurse who has promised me 'Gas & Air' has disappeared. This saddened me for two reason, the first being that I actually wanted to try this fabled mixture, the second being that I was about to get something shoved up my arse and it was probably going to fucking hurt!
The doctor asked me a trivial question and, while I thought about it, began. Sneaky bastard.
The nurse then re-appeared and chatted away while I watched my bowel on screen. After about ten minutes she said "Oh, did you want gas and air then?"
I just smiled and said 'No don't worry about it' because, and this is a biggy, IT DIDNT HURT.
I know. I'm obviously fucking nails right.
The worst part of it was when watching the screen my pink, healthy looking bowel suddenly turned grey and not so healthy looking. The doctor turned to me and said "That's your problem there Andy" and I knew my life wasn't going to be the same again.