Bag It Up: The Stoma Diaries PT 1

Last time we spoke I told you all how I'd nearly died, got the all clear from my bowel cancer and how I now shit into a bag. Well I've had a couple of months to get used to it now so I thought I'd let you know how that's going. 

At first I was fucking embarrassed and didn't really want to go out much (If you know me then you'll know what a change that was as I do like to go out...in fact since moving to Costa Del Brid just short of four years ago I must have done the value of our house at the local boozer! 😁) The bulge in my top was more than prevalent (calm down ladies...) and was very obvious. My embarrassment was accompanied by the fear of having to empty the bag in a public place. What if someone hears me and takes the piss? What if I get covered in shit? What if I'm challenged as to why I'm always going to the toilet cubicle and have to justify it in front of everyone?

I thought about it constantly and then reminded myself that I basically died in June so if any of the above happened then so what? I'd just tell anyone who was interested to fuck off and take it from there. My first public 'empty' happened on the seafront about five minutes from my house (and thirty seconds from the 'local') and do you know what...the world didn't end. No-one noticed, no-one cared and I instantly felt better about things.

I mentioned on social media in July that I'd got the all clear and amidst all the congratulations and well wishes from friends who were genuinely pleased I'd beaten it there was a message from a bookmaker named Boyle Sports. They asked whether I'd like the use of their corporate seat at St James Park for the first match of the season to commemorate my return to normal. I thought about it for a good nanosecond before accepting! It was a class day, free meal, free drink, decent seats, three points for the toon and, most importantly, I was back! 😎 It was also a good test of my new found confidence in being out in public and using toilets that were constantly busy and I managed to get through it. I had planned on not kicking the arse out of the drink (mainly as I'd abstained for virtually a year during my treatment) but it was free...and I'm a Byker lad...so I had a bad heed the next day! 😁 

My main problem at subsequent matches has been actually getting into a cubicle to 'unload' as they're always rammed and everyone's generally pissed, however, a solution to this became apparent when I thought about it properly. When I got my first stoma prescription I was allocated a RADAR key - this gets me into any disabled toilet nationwide (as I'm technically disabled) but didn't think I'd ever be brave enough to use it. This changed at a recent Ian Brown gig in the Toon when I'd had enough and decided to try it out, taking my bravery in both hands I sauntered past the mobbed toilets and headed towards the steward who stood in front of the disabled lavvy. He smiled as I approached thinking I was going to ask him something. I then waved my key and pointed at the bog behind him, expecting to be thrown out as a fraud. What actually happened was he kept smiling and got out of the way...and we all just got on with our night.

As it happens I've had a few 'leaks' and am well acquainted with the smell and feel of not properly processed (my bag is at the beginning of the bowel not the business end!) human waste product and again, every time it happens the world doesn't end. I just clean myself up and carry on. I still have days when I feel like a freak and a bit emasculated but they're getting fewer and as I tell myself at those times, at least I'm still here to feel like that.

Finally, I've had a bit of time over the last year (what do you mean why? Keep up!) and decided to investigate publishing my books via Amazon as my current printer charges me to keep the books 'on file' and therefore in print - Amazon still don't stock them though and it'd take about a week to get one, which probably puts off any potential sales...yeah, 'cos that's the reason I don't sell owt! 😂

Anyway, as a result I've updated and published the kindle novella I wrote a few years back 'The Spy Who Bluffed Me' as a paperback just to see how it all worked. I'm quite pleased with it (it was dead easy) and it's now on sale for £4.50 on Amazon. To be honest it's probably overpriced by about two quid as it's only 80 pages (I did say it was a novella) but if you fancy supporting your favourite, sweary, on statutory sick pay for eleven months 'cos he had cancer, blogger then I promise to spend the pittance Amazon gives me wisely...😎

Thanks for reading, see you later,

Rivs